The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
