Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
