thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
