It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
