I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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