I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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