When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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