Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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