the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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