today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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