Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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