my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
