You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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