i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
