That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
