If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
