watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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