if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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