Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
