I hate your face
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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