Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
