Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
