well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
