I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
