shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
