I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
