Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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