genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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