dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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