i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
