I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
