i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
