you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
