Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
