How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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