i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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