Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
