Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
