last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
