I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
