Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
