Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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