be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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