I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
This baby is an asshole
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
