I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
