oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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