3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
