i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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