I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
