at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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