Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
