Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
