i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She even gives head with a lisp.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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