I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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