If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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