So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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