Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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