I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
