farters have to be the big spoon...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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