my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just saw a hot homeless man
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
